Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
