Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
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He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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