Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
