Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
