just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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