you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dear god my vagina.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
