the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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