Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
