i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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