he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
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he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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