he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
time to smoke my breakfast
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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