I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
