Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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