did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
