Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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