i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Please don't give away my fajitas
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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