Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
