Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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