Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
