By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
