I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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