I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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