Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
false alarm, still single
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
