I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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