Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
