Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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