she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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