FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
