I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
