Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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