I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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