she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
