She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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