He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
