I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
