I love black thongs
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
