Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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