4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
