I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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