You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
