@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
