I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
