just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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