He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You've changed since you got that strap on
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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