my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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