So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
