pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
ok first of all what the fuck
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I love you.
Bad choice
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
