just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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