remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
