he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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