bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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