After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
