So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
