My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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