I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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