come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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