RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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