sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
