I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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