she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
