She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
