She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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