Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
